She was about six or seven years old when she came down the stairs to the basement where her parents were sitting. There was something tense about their conversation, but she didn't know what. She went over to her father on the couch and she saw he had a small blue book with santa clause on it. It was a special looking little book (small enough to fit in her hands), that had a little electric keyboard on the bottom and the pages above had the music to play different songs. The kind of innovative fun toy you might find in the grocery store or something. It looked pretty interesting. She innocently asked, "what's that?" Hoping it was for her, but not wanting to presume it was. In a distracted way her father said, "It was going to be a surprise for you for Christmas, but you might as well just have it now."  He may have said for her to go back upstairs because the parents were talking, maybe he did not, she does not remember very much now, but she did go. She was so happy to get this little book, she was touched that they thought of it for her, but she was so sad that she ruined the surprise... "they were probably really looking forward to giving it to me and now I've ruined it by coming down the stairs when I wasn't supposed to. I could have just waited. I would have rather waited than ruin something and make them feel bad." she thought to herself. But at the same time the book was really cool and so special, so she decided to cherish it forever.  21 years later, the pages are missing from the book, but the keys still work. She can still play the little notes, but it sounds like the 20+ year old battery is running low and the notes sound a little warbly and tinny. She never understood why that conversation was so important. As she got older she realized that the little music book, was the kind you could get at a dollar store, that looked so wonderful for a kid but was probably not a very high investment. Something that kids play with and break and throw away after a couple uses. But she still had hers, well past her childhood. This one was special, this one was something else. Long after her parents divorced she still held on to it, it was so special, almost felt like there was a little glow. Each time she moved to a new place she could never put that in the trash, it was so special. She didn't know then, but it was one of the last times her parents would be together. If she had just stayed upstairs she would have never ruined the surprise, if she had stayed upstairs, it would have been a surprise gift for her and they still could have felt special, they still could have felt happy. It would have been all worth it for them to feel happy...
Oct 2012